Walking the Walk of Forgiveness

A hard heart that keeps a vigilant eye on the past cannot see the truth of the present.  Resistance to forgiveness will not change what has already happened, and more important, it won't contribute to change now - in yourself or in those you won't forgive.  Forgiveness is a healing balm and also a truth sayer.  When forgiveness melts the heart, and when the turbulent waters settle and clear, you are left with the truth of the matter.  You are aligned with karma, in touch with the whole story - the light and the shadow.  Now you can choose how to be and act in ways that make your life work better.  Forgiveness is a very rational act.  

Elizabeth Lesser - The Seeker's Guide

My grandmother (dad's mom) and I have had a strained/negative relationship for as long as I can remember.  I have no idea how it started but I have a pretty clear idea on how it has stayed the same for so long.  I can remember feeling like she didn't like me before I was old enough to have done anything that would have justified that feeling.  I can admit without a doubt that in the years that followed, my feelings of her not liking me were reflected in my interactions with her growing up.  There have also been many times over the years that I have claimed to have forgiven her and then followed that with all of the hurtful things that she has done to me, to once again justify why I am needing to forgive her.

What I have learned since then however is that although I thought I had forgiven, I still had not.  I was still clutching to the need to be right.  The need for everyone involved to understand and validate what I had been through with her and hoping they would all say to me "You are right - it is not your fault,  she should have been different, treated you different, etc."

Two and half years ago my grandmother, pops, and aunt made a trip up to see us (they live about 5 hours away) so that we could all sit down and work this out.  In my grandmother's mind I was ruining her life and she was ready to talk about it.  I was 5 months pregnant and after a nice (as in not hostile) dinner she began our conversation.  The conversation was her telling me all the hurtful things I'd done to her and me sitting in disbelief, crying and not uttering a word.  When she was done I was completely confused by the accusations as they were completely different from my perceptions and it was clear nothing productive was coming from all the rehashing of events that had occurred (or not) over 20 years ago.  I left and since then my grandmother has stood firm on her convictions and also written off my dad, her only son.

Since that time any time that I have read about forgiveness, compassion, or anything along those lines her image has popped into my head.  I have repeated to myself a million times that I have compassion for  her, that I will come from a place of love when I see or speak to her next.  I have never known until this past Saturday how or if that would really happen.

My dad received word via an email from his sister, that her, grandmother, and pops would be flying up to see him.  They would be staying one night and then flying back.  As they have never met the little man, the only great-grandchild they have, of course my dad wanted them to finally meet the little guy that has been melting his heart for the last 2 years.  I immediately agreed to come over with the little man when they were here for their visit.  A first step in coming from a place of love as no matter how they feel about me, this isn't about me.

When I got to my parents house with the little man, it was the first time I can remember being in the same room as my grandmother without going into a mode of defense.  I wasn't anymore just acting as if nothing were wrong, I was truly living in the moment and not attaching to any thoughts or feelings of hurt or negativity.  The little man played and charmed the way he does and even if they never say it, I know they had to have fallen in love.  After about an hour my pops, aunt, and grandmother had my dad take them to the flea market.  Dad let them know the little man and I would not be there when they got back and they made the decision to go ahead and go.  Grandmother HATES the flea market but she jumped up to go with them.

When they left, I felt compassion for my grandmother instead of what I normally would have felt - anger.  I knew she must have wanted to spend at least a few more moments with her great-grandchild, whom she may never get the opportunity to see again in this lifetime.  I was reminded of the damage that we can do to ourselves when we are not willing to let go of past hurts, to forgive.  I was also very aware of how not forgiving, or the need to be right, the need to be the victim only hurts ourselves.

I hope I can continue to only feel compassion for those people in my life that I have difficult relationships with.  I hope that at any time in my life if being stubborn or being right gets in the way of what is really important in life, I can reflect on how good it feels to let it all go, to be free to choose how to be and act in ways that make my life better.