The Larger Frame

There is a larger frame to the painting than the one that bounds our life events. - Ram Dass

That larger frame is precisely what I keep trying to focus on, although the larger frame isn't something I can see, or touch, only feel. I'm entering a new stage in this process of blooming and growth. Much has been set in motion but now I'm entering a stage that will be more about letting go and less about action.

I feel like I've reached a fork in the road but this time I don't get to choose which path I take. The reality is Mr. Aries and I are not able to both get what we want in regards to this divorce. We have reached the time that I have heard so much about when things might just have to get ugly. Ugly is only in the eye of the beholder however, isn't it??

At times my mind wants to focus on and exaggerate the importance of the material things that I have given up. My silly mind says, "Lets have a pity party! How old are you? What things have you accomplished in your life to get you here??? You have arrived in your 30's and you are back in an apartment, no sign of a job, he's even going to take away your car." "How pathetic, a single, unemployed, delusional stay-at-home mom that has no way to support staying home, living in an apartment full of college kids, pretending to have it all together. He is going to make you stay here, you won't be able to leave, this is your new life. Once again, starting all over from scratch."

BUT, those moments are fleeting. I can't help but know, this is part of the process. This is just part of arriving at the best life I could have ever dreamed about. I have the most amazing friends in the world, a very select few that I love with all my heart and know I can count on. Those friends are helping walk me to the other side of this experience. The reward at the end of this marathon will be worth it all and I don't think anyone would say that finishing a marathon was easy.

I know that from the moment little man was born it has been me and him. I know that I will never let myself diminish the importance of little man having his dad in his life. I know that having to decide who is best for little man to be with is not going to be an easy decision for anyone to make. But I also know in my heart that it HAS to be me. Every time I hear Mr. Aries say that he doesn't care if little man has to be in daycare for most of his life to live with him, it is still better than him leaving with me; it reminds me that he can't have his son's best interest at heart to want that. Every time Mr. Aries says that our baby boy will be fine without me, I know he has no idea. No idea what it's like to really love somebody, above and beyond the self, unselfishly. Soon it will be out of my hands, who am I kidding, it already is. I just have to have faith that although Mr. Aries has controlled the last 12 years of my life, it won't be like that for the next 12.